Leicester City. The team whose title winning season was all made possible thanks to the fallout from a Thai orgy. Why does that sort of luck never fall for us? Can Wayne Rooney shag a granny again? The closest we’ve got was a Twitter rumour about Koeman and Ellesmere Port brasses. Ah well.
As for that arrogant, clueless, potato headed Pat Butcher lookalike his fate was finally sealed after that battering by Arsenal last week. Watching that second half was an embarrassment but at least it gave us the final irony of the last 16 months. The last Everton goal of the Koeman regime was scored by Oumar Niasse, a player he did everything to isolate and break in a bid to force him out. The fact that he got on with it and remained determined to prove him wrong despite being told to his face that he was crap, had his shirt number taken off him, denied a locker in not only the first team but the under 23s as well is a massive credit to him. He wasn’t even allowed to eat with them either. No wonder hardly anyone said anything about him after he’d gone. Exactly the same as his time at Valencia.
His honest tough loving strongman act was initially a refreshing antidote to the nicey nicey soft touch phenomenal, blue tinted flowers and sunsets world that Roberto Martinez occupied, no doubt one where Jason Derulo plays on a loop. After 3 years of fluffy hyperbolic bullshitting, finally hearing no nonsense truth after a game was a joy. How ironic then that the man appointed to be the opposite to Martinez basically ended up having the same traits as him. The baffling team selections, excuses after games, he even got the old stress stubble at Lyon. When Bobby began growing that we knew the end was near. Koeman went from looking like something out of Tintin to Phil Mitchell in less than 2 months. What an incredible club we support.
As for his successor it seems to be a 3 horse race between Rhino, Thomas Tuchel and Sean Dyche. Marco Silva was heavily linked but he seemingly has ruled himself out, plus it was also highly unlikely that he’d leave Watford after not only 3 months, but also after the start they’ve made. Tuchel would be my choice. Not only is he available but he’s also highly rated in Germany, with many touting him to be a contender for the Bayern job in the summer. His Mainz and Dortmund teams played high intensity, attacking football that would be a refreshing change from the slow, turgid, sideways shite we’ve been subjected to in the last few years. Tuchel’s style would get Goodison excited again and up for games rather than dreading them. Think of him as Klopp and Pep combined but less noncey or world weary. His doubters may claim that he’s only won 1 German Cup in his 7 years of management but 5 of those were spent at Mainz where, with an annual budget of £15m, he took them to Europe twice having led them to 5th and 7th place finishes. An achievement which the media here gave Davey Moyes demi-god status for. His 2 years at Dortmund were right in the middle of Bayern’s dominant run. The way he left them however is a slight concern as he fell out with the board, but in his defence in his last season Hummels, Mkhitaryan and Gundogan were all sold. Basically the spine of his team.
Sean Dyche, well. He’s done an excellent job at Burnley which is why he’s media flavour of the month. Plus he’s English so of course any Premier League job that becomes available he’ll be linked with. He’s an angry ginger which I guess is a contrast to the arrogant ginger we just got rid of and the dour depressive one we had a few years ago. His voice also sounds like a dying chainsaw. The football he’d bring too would be proper Brexit, put it in the mixer type stuff. No 6 yard boxes in Sean’s world, all about the mixer. Hopefully we go nowhere near him because we’d be back to pre-Moshiri “let’s just stabilise ourselves in top 8” mentality.
Lastly, the current man in charge. Unsy knows the club inside out, is a passionate Blue and most importantly, having been in charge of the under 23s knows who’s coming through. He’ll also never play Cuco Martina again so happy days. If the people we approach turn us down then I’ll definitely be for him getting it until the summer. Against Chelsea on Wednesday we gave them a game in that second half, by far the best we’d played in months. One massive positive was the performance of Beni Banigime, who needless to say before the game without even kicking a ball was linked with Man Utd and compared to N’Golo Kante. Cheers Daily Mail, you bunch of Nazi sympathisers. (Google that) We went at them with pace and could easily have got a couple of goals. It’s a massive step forward in terms of building confidence going forward but of course it’s another opportunity in a cup gone. It’s hard to take.
So we’ll be up against Claude Puel on Sunday then. How dull. Such an underwhelming appointment that isn’t it? Granted he took Southampton to a cup final but Christ, literally can’t think of anything even slightly interesting to say about him. It’s a massive game and hopefully it’ll kickstart a run of form that’ll take us out of trouble.
As for a score prediction it depends on one thing. Is Sean Ando going? You’ll have to ask him. If he is, don’t hold many hopes up.
Up the Toffees x