Everton Preview: Manchester United (A)

What happens when you go near a snake pit? You get bitten and most likely get killed. That’s a slightly weird and depressing way to kick things off I know but when you remember that we’re utter shite right now and we’re up against Lukaku on Sunday it suddenly makes sense. He’s come out apparently and said that it’s “not a special match” as “I don’t care what happens with them”. Sound. I miss your goals but I hope you get your leg snapped off you horrible snake. Not bitter. So having embarrassed ourselves in Europe on Thursday, Old Trafford is the last place you want to go to attempt to salvage what’s left of the wreckage.

We aren’t just worse than last season at the moment, what we’ve seen in the last 3 games has been eerily reminiscent of the Martinez era’s painfully slow death. Way off the pace, strolling around half arsed looking like we didn’t belong on the same pitch. Chris Sutton said in commentary on Thursday that judging by the performance of the two sides you’d have thought that Atalanta had spent £150m in the summer and not us. He was spot on because they outclassed us in every department. Only Everton could spend £150m and raise our expectations through the roof only to have us reaching for the bleach after 5 games.

Fair play to him for admitting what we were basically thinking afterwards, that he should be held responsible, but some of what Koeman came out with in his interview was embarrassing. We “weren’t prepared” apparently. Now I’m sorry but you’re on £6m a year mate, that’s your bloody job. Imagine if Martinez had said that? Or Arsene Wenger even? Christ it would’ve been like a Rooney off field incident, birthday and Christmas all rolled into one for the media. He also decided to basically throw Calvert-Lewin under the bus too, claiming that him practically being more isolated up top than Steve McClaren’s hair island was “an excuse I don’t like”. Sorry but he’s a young kid that’s only getting shouts to play because £150m down the line we never replaced Lukaku and Sandro doesn’t even fit your system. We sold the best striker we’ve had in my lifetime (21 years before the “you mustn’t have seen Lineker, Sharp or Latchford” shouts come raining down) to a Premier League rival and didn’t even replace him. Unbelievable.

Why did we let him go to them anyway? We were supposedly aiming somewhere in the future to get top 4. Utd finished 6th last season. Why then did we strengthen one of our supposed “rivals” by giving them our best player? Maybe I’m being stupid again because it seemed they and Chelsea were the only ones who wanted him but if I was in charge I’d have said “ok we’ll let you go but only to a European side”. If he’d have cried about it then tough, get on with it.

So we all know what’s going to happen then. He’ll bring the likes of Gueye, Klaassen, Sandro and no doubt Williams back in, put 10 men behind the ball and desperately hope to nick a goal on the counter. Absolutely no chance of that happening as our side moves at the speed of a snail. I hope to God he doesn’t play Williams but he must have Koeman’s nudes or something, there must be a reason why he continually gets starts despite being so bad. And as for Martina, don’t you even dare think about it. Imagine him up against the likes of Rashford and Martial? Jesus wept. If I see him anywhere near the team sheet I’ll be done with Koeman because Eriksen and Alli embarrassed him against Spurs.

As for Utd they will be without Paul Pogba as he suffered a hamstring injury in their midweek Champions League win, he’ll be out for around 6 weeks. God think of how many haircuts, hair dyes and all that stuff he’d be able to get in that time. He must be to barbers what Funes Mori is to George Foreman Grill sales. Luke Shaw and Marcos Rojo are still out for them too. It’s a shame that he’s had an injury hit few seasons Shaw because he’d be a decent option to consider when replacing Baines in the future.

After getting these out the way we have a run of winnable games coming up. Sunderland in the Cup, a struggling Bournemouth, Apollon, Burnley and Brighton. That is the ideal run of games for Koeman to turn things around. If he can’t and we’re still playing like this by the time we face Lyon and Arsenal, then as far as I’m concerned he can go. Yes I know it’s been a tough run of games to start off with but the way we’ve just rolled over recently is just not acceptable and that’s why he’s come in for criticism. He has to change things immediately or we’re in trouble because I’m fearing an absolute battering and being honest, maybe that’s what will kick their arses into gear. Let’s be fair, we’ve been fortunate not to have been in the last few games. Let’s hope I’ll be proved wrong.

*As that was an extremely depressing write up I’ll save the best until last. I should’ve put this in the Atalanta preview really but a shout out to @jakelawless_ who while I was struggling to think of anything of note to say about them, suggested that I say he used to play for them. Well if Andreas Cornelius can get into their squad then it’s probably not that far fetched. Come to think of it actually, given your height mate maybe you’re that target man we’re looking for. Or an Ashley Williams replacement, either or would be fine by me.

Up the Toffees.

Ross Edwards

Ross Edwards

22 year old season ticket holder in the Lower Gwladys. Springsteen obsessive. Born to Pun... (sorry)
Ross Edwards

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