Hello again. It’s been a while hasn’t it? Now, where were we? Ah yes, I left you all crying in the corner because our possible choice of manager was going to be between Dyche and Allardyce. Well, in the end it was Big Samuel they went for. A man whose head is made entirely of pie pastry and shits out Oxo cubes. Deciding that heads had not fallen off enough for his liking he decided to take the piss further by bringing that troll faced dwarf Sammy Lee with him, who then proceeded to drink it.
It all started brightly enough for him with a 7 game unbeaten run, including a point at Anfield that seemed to trigger a spiral into insanity for Jurgen Klopp who judging by his latest shite, has yet to recover as this week he blamed BT Sport for being tactically outclassed by Alan Pardew. Of course no one in the media seems to be questioning his mental state as he’s treated as a kind of infallible daity because he swears in interviews and looks like a massive tit on the sideline. That WBA loss was followed up with a defeat to Swansea, so quite a collapse for them following their celebration of the Double after beating City and us in the Cup. Suppose you could say their season has gone boom….
Anyway, now that we’ve caught up and had a laugh at the gurning yellow teethed clown across the park, let’s look back at January. If we really must. 31 days for Steve Walsh to actually try and be good at his job for once and find us a left back having had to sit through the misery of watching Cuco Martina pretend to be one. One of the worst players I’ve ever had the misfortune of watching, a man with no left foot whatsoever. Might as well just cut the thing off. Unbelievably though Allardyce thought he was doing a “fantastic job” and that no one better than him could be found. Really? Walsh couldn’t find anyone in the world that could do a better job? You’d think surely that knowing his supposed “talent” for finding and bringing in youngsters he may have took the time to look at the likes of Bristol City’s Joe Bryan, but he couldn’t even be arsed to do that. Top marks for not trying.
How the incompetent goblin is still in a job I have no idea. He should’ve gone when Koeman did. If blame was to be equally shared between them both for the state that the squad has been left in, woefully inadequate in key areas, unbalanced and full of mercenaries that can’t be arsed (yes that’s mainly you Morgan Schneiderlin, you snail scoffing shithouse), then both should’ve gone. Yet unbelievably he’s been allowed to screw up another transfer window. Baines is 34 this year, and we still haven’t addressed the lack of cover or a long term replacement. It’s a disgrace.
What’s also a disgrace is that Allardyce is our manager. The fact we only had 4 shots on target in 5 games is disgusting, no matter what club it is or who’s in charge. When sections of Goodison ironically sang “we’ve had a shot” after Kenny’s effort against West Brom it just summed up where we are as a club at the moment. If he’s still here next season then frankly the board are cowards and are happy to put up with mediocrity.
Now we got that off our chests, what else happened this month other than us being shite? Well, there was the AGM where Farhad Moshiri was in fine form, bizarrely claiming that Lukaku refused to sign a new contract because a “voodoo message” told him that he should leave. He’s been threatened with legal action because of it. What a club we are. Even more pleasing is that Farhad basically called Jim White a grass at one point, which is something we can all agree on. Not only did we piss off Romelu Lukaku, but we also pissed off within a matter of days, Besiktas and Watford fans. As a result of us signing Cenk Tosun, we became their favourite team for a bit. When I say a bit, I mean 1 game. It took them just 1 game to realise that we were poo and that Allardyce was a useless hoofball loving fraud. That’s mightily impressive, you’ve got to hand it to them. Not content with pissing off the whole of Turkey, we then got blamed for Watford sacking Marco Silva as our approach for him was “the catalyst” for the poor run that finished him off apparently. I think it’s more the fact that he basically couldn’t be arsed anymore that did for him if I’m honest.
Oh, I almost forgot. We also annoyed Hadjuk Split, if you remember them. Apparently us signing Vlasic and subsequently not bothering to use him hardly was the reason their manager got sacked, according to one of their fan accounts. So to recap, that’s Hakan from Istanbul, Dave from somewhere near Watford and Niko, a Yugoslav born ultra we’ve managed to get hating us. Add to that all of us that desperately want the season to end, Allardyce to explode after one pie too many and Steve Walsh’s head on a spike, it’s a job very well done.
I suspect Ross Barkley hates us, Chelsea and life in general at the moment as well. It took their fans just half an hour to decide that he’s shite after he came on in their League Cup exit against Arsenal. The highlight for me, 94th minute or whatever it was, keeper up for the corner: didn’t even beat the first man. It’s clear too that Conte doesn’t want him either. He claimed afterwards that after Willian got injured it was “difficult when the only player available is Ross Barkley”. The next few years should be fun. Enjoy Newcastle on loan in 2 seasons time mate.
Finally, onto deadline day. Now obviously nothing that would’ve gone on could’ve got anywhere near what happened in the summer when “Moshiri” rang up Jim White sounding like a cross between Fonejacker and Malcolm, the old man off Pete Price, so expectations were low. We were also playing at the same time. Sandro, Lookman and Besic have gone out on loan, to Sevilla, Leipzig and Boro respectively. At least they’ll actually get game time so good luck to them. We did sign someone though, Mangala on loan. I remember him first arriving to England, where he looked like a clumsy, terrified Bambi on ice whenever the ball came to him. If he’s still like that now, he should fit in well. If he’s improved, then fair enough, it’s some cover in an area where who we have are ageing and in the case of Funes Mori, probably dead. Or having a barbecue somewhere, who knows?
That just about wraps things up. Oh wait what? I forgot something? We won, with Theo scoring twice? Bloody hell.