Not long now Everton…

by  on  in All, Everton, Our Thoughts, Our Thoughts

2 weeks. Just 2 weeks before this painful, depressing, embarrassing pile of utter shite comes to an end. Let’s be fair it was over in mid November but mediocrity has lingered around longer than Allardyce at an all you can eat buffet.

It has been without doubt one of the worst seasons in my lifetime as an Evertonian. It says a lot that the only memorable thing I’ll take from it is a fella throwing punches at Lyon players while holding a kid under his arm. After months of humiliations, conceding 10 home and away against the worst Arsenal side of the Premier League era, Burnley doing the double over us, setting up like a league 2 team against City, sitting in a Baltic, half empty Goodison watching Atalanta twat us, a Southampton side that can still go down putting 4 past us (only winning 2 games since), and Allardyce not only coming in but acting like the second coming had occurred, mercifully there’s not long left to endure.

We do still have the opportunity to do some good however. After all their crowing, the next 2 games provide us the glorious chance to relegate either Southampton or West Ham. That certainly would be sweet, as would consigning David Moyes to further embarrassment by sending him down just 4 years after getting him sacked by Man Utd. But knowing Everton, we’ll still manage to screw that up no doubt.

It began with such hope. We spent £150m. There was talk of a top 6 challenge, maybe even top 4 if things went well. But no. Instead by November we were 13th and had been the worst thing to go around Europe since the Black Death. Out went that fat Dutch, mayonnaise guzzling fraud Koeman, in came gravy swilling, pie scoffing narcissist Allardyce. Yes, he did the job he was brought in for, to stabilise us in a bad moment, but that’s all he can ever do. We need forward thinking and new ideas. Not more embarrassing, small time cringe from old luvvie Bill who took his moment back in the limelight at the end of season awards to “thank Sam on behalf of the board and players for getting us away from that crap”. Not the fans eh Bill, who have had to suffer months of dreary hoofball shite? Get to fuck. Has anyone ever told you you were shite in Corrie? Or couldn’t sing? Well there, I’ve said it.

And as if things couldn’t get any worse, those loveable neighbours of ours have only gone and lucked their way into another champions league final haven’t they? The devils club getting fortunate as ever with only Man City the biggest obstacle out of Sevilla, Spartak, Maribor, Porto and Roma they’ve had to face throughout the competition. Not to mention the very questionable refereeing decisions they’ve been on the right side of. Mind you, who’s the Chief Referees Officer at UEFA? Yep, you guessed it, Mr P. Collina. Bung loving, bald corrupt tit. Underneath this bitterness however does lie massive jealousy. The way they can just blow teams away whilst we huff and puff to 1 shot on target against Newcastle. The way they’ve seen 3 CL finals in my lifetime. I’d give anything to see just one. We’re so mired in mediocrity from top to bottom that we’ll probably never see those heights again. It’s so depressing. Take it away Bill…

For fear of driving myself to the point of bleach I think I’ll wrap it up. I doubt you’ll be hearing from me for a while though. I’m booking flights for the 26th. To Aleppo. Heard it’s quiet there.

Hala Madrid…